I Just Discovered I Am NOT Cut Out To Be A Crazy Cat Lady

I love cats. I’ve had them as pets since I was little. And one cat was never enough, so our house was always full of kittens. I love them so much that I basically helped liberate a wee stray kitty from Devon House because she had become separated from her mama, and the girl who found her said she couldn’t keep her, and I hesitated for only about 0.5 seconds before volunteering my home. I even follow a number of cat-related accounts on Twitter, and when friends tell me that I’m Grumpy Cat in human form, I consider it the highest compliment.

I really love cats, guys.

Except right now, I’m so over the little buggers!

There are now TEN cats in our house. T E N. And I’m tempted to just run away and leave the house to them, because iCANNOT!

We had a few cats prior to my bringing Zia (the kitten I took got from Devon House) home, but we ended up giving them away and only had one left – Punky (don’t look at me – she was named by my mother). Things were fine and dandy until Punky (or is it ‘Poonky,’ cuz that’s how it’s pronounced) decided to procreate, so we had five cats after she had her litter. Two of her kittens were given away, leaving Punky, Zia and One Son (again, my mother named that one). A few weeks ago, it was Zia’s turn to enter womanhood and maternity, and she had four kittens. THEN PUNKY ALSO HAD THREE MORE KITTENS, SO NOW THE HOUSE IS FRICKING OVERRUN WITH CATS!!!!!

Yes, I know we should have had the females spayed, but this is Jamaica and 99 per cent of us don’t even know WTH that means. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

We’re stuck with these 10 until we find people to unload them on. And I promise, if anybody wants the big cats, they can take them as well. Take every. last. one. I don’t care. This lot – or lots, since there are two litters – hasn’t been named yet and I will not expend any energy naming them or saving them from Mommy’s awful names because there will no attachments formed. I want them all GONE! I have to be spending too much money on cat food for these gravalicious critters. And they make entirely too much noise. It’s an everlasting racket of mewling.

I used to think I was fine with becoming an archetypal crazy cat lady in my middle to old age, but now I’m sure that’s not gonna happen. If I can’t manage this lot in my very early 30s, how am I gonna deal with them as a crotchety old woman? Because I’m a crotchety young woman, and I’m only going to become more cantankerous with age.

So… does anyone out there want a cat or two or 10? Any takers? Please??!! Alternatively, someone could just introduce me to their cute brother/cousin/young uncle/friend and save me from potential CrazyCatLadydom in the future. It would be preferable if he’s deathly allergic to animal hair so I won’t ever be tempted to get any kind of pet, because I’m also over the family dog, Oreo (my sister adopted him from JSPCA and he came with that name). Wait, can I just call JSPCA to come for ALL THE ANIMALS?!

Either way, please hurry!