Unreasonable Hope

It will whisper in the wind
and ask of you the unreasonable:
Can you break down that Jericho wall
that guards your heart—
the one you built with the debris of
unkept promises and broken dreams?

Will you rend
that blanket of false security—
that tattered, threadbare thing
you stitched together with skeins of lies
and distractions that now
reeks with the musk of fear?

It will crook its finger and beckon,
asking you to believe the impossible:
that anything is possible,
and that you can chase away the darkness
with a mere pinprick of light.

You know it’s not easy to let hope in.
Easy is to accept things as they are,
easier still to expect the worst.
But hope expects you to work.

It gives you its infinitesimal spark
and requires you to tend it,
add kindling and
gently fan that first tender, orange flame
until a fire roars.

Then it will gently touch your shoulder
and ask you again:
Will you reach out your hands—
let the heat warm the cold fingers of
the hands you’ve been wringing in despair,
let feeling come back into your body
until, cell by cell, you feel alive again?

And with the lifeblood pumping through your veins,
the spark now aglow in your eyes,
will you dare to try one more time?

Circumlocution

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash

I don’t write because I am afraid.
I am afraid of my words.
I am afraid to search for my words,
of what I’ll find when I plumb
the depths of my feelings to unearth them.
I am afraid of turning on the spigot and having them rush out
—or trickle.
Or worse, there is not a single drop
because the works have rusted from lack of use.

I am afraid of my voice
because the silence in which I suffer
has become my brittle chrysalis
and making any sound might cause it to shatter.
I am not quite ready or able to be a butterfly.

I am afraid of cutting myself open,
my blood the ink on the page
from wounds that won’t heal
because I’m afraid to tend to them, too.

I am afraid.
Of standing naked before myself
and picking myself apart
letter by letter
until I am just bones.

But sometimes a word claws its way out of my belly
and plops upon the page.
I look at this strange thing
that came out of me and it’s ugly and misshapen
but also, somehow, beautiful.

I am so afraid.
But fear is a casket
and I am not yet dead.

So I will go in search of them,
those elusive words that are sometimes
at the tip of my pen and tongue.
I will write myself into my own life’s story
letter by letter
even on crumpled pages
until I am whole.

To Dust

a work in progress

Photo by Kunj Parekh

And suddenly you’re just a body
the things you owned and prized
left to be cast or given away —

the books you read, plus the ones you never got around to
knickknacks and mementos you never could part with
jeans you swore you’d fit into again someday
new nighties and underwear and fresh towels
folded away in a bag in your closet
just in case you were ever admitted to the hospital
your favourite, well-worn Sunday church shoes
plus the new ones still shiny and spotless in their boxes
pictures from beach trips and parties and birthdays
and embarrassing candid shots
your signature smile or belly laugh flash frozen in each one

— picked to the bone by family and friends
desperate to hold on to a piece of you
even those who never bothered to hold you
while you were still a life

The rest will be thrown into bags and boxes
detritus left outside the gate
to await their own demise

Next you’re a memory
your best moments
in a looping highlight reel
played and replayed at future gatherings
and in dark and lonely hours
to help soothe the pain

Then one day there are no more tears
and slowly you begin to fade
your image disintegrating
drifting away on the wind
swirling around like ashes
returning to the earth like dust

I Will Not Speak My Fears

a poem written under duress

Photo by Barun Patro

I will not speak my fears
lest they become winged beasts
with mighty jaws
talons of steel
and eyes of fire

They will hunt me
crush my heart
lacerate my flesh
and make ashes of my dreams

I will not feed my fears
with dark wonderings
in midnight hours
to shroud my realities
beneath lies of the impossible

No

I will not give them life
I will suffocate them
under the weight of
thoughts and words that are
true, honest, just, pure, lovely
and of good report

For as I think in my heart
so I am
and I think I am brave
and strong
and brilliant
and I can do all things

If I have to eat the fruit of my words
then I prefer it to be sweet
to give energy to my spirit
and health to my bones

And I will spit out the seeds
that will grow into tall trees
to give me shade in my youth
and bear more fruit in my old age

I will not speak fear
for I shall have whatsoever I say
and what I want
and will have
is life more abundant

— for donalee, keresa and kendra

8 Things On My To-Do List For 2018

DISCLAIMER: This is not a new year’s resolutions post. Or maybe it is. Whatever. Here’s a look at some of what I’ll be getting up to in this blessed 2018.

Yep. Priority numero uno.

1. See a therapist. Often. More than once a week, if she doesn’t tire of me.

Self care is priority numero uno for me this year. In as many forms as it may take. Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair, and 2017 was the hottest of hot messes. I’ve had my brushes with depression, almost deep dived (dove?) into the pit last year, and I’m sensible enough to know that professional help is needed to unpack all the baggage if I’m to have a decent life going forward. Please, please, please pay attention to your mental health. There is absolutely no shame in seeing a therapist or counsellor. Don’t let society’s messed up views on this matter keep you bound.

Continue reading “8 Things On My To-Do List For 2018”

#FeatureFriday: Meet Janeth Benjamin, Author Of Bloom By 30

If you’ve read my first post, you will remember that I credited three sources of inspiration for my return to the blogosphere – Luvvie, my favourite blogger; Amelia, a fictional character in a romance novel; and my friend Janeth Benjamin, who took the bull by the horns and self-published a book. I also promised that she’d be the first person I featured in what I hope to be monthly interviews or profiles with some of the cool, interesting and enterprising people I know. So, here goes:

j_bloom

Continue reading “#FeatureFriday: Meet Janeth Benjamin, Author Of Bloom By 30”